Impatient

I know I sound silly… but I would give anything, anything at all to be doing exams right now. At least with exams you know when it will end. You’ll know when you’re going to be free. You can PLAN things and LOOK FORWARD to all the fun things you will do.

As for me, my treatment is scheduled to finish on the 22nd Dec. For now. It was meant to finish on the 25th Nov, but its changed. Just like that. I’m beginning to be impatient now, a little bit annoyed and VERY anxious. I know that its very ungrateful for me to be complaining about this. But I can’t help it. I can’t help being overly happy when the doctor said that I might stop at 4 chemos. I can’t help being pissed off when it was doubled to 8. It’s stupid to get your hopes up. But with things such as this, I guess you can’t help but get your hopes up. You cling on to anything and everything that has hope.

That’s all my depressed feelings. Don’t worry, I’ll get over it soon enough. Did I mention I have two counselors?

Model Love

Here are my favourite models – in order of preference.

Catherine McNeil

 

 

Daria Werbowy

              

 

Hilary Rhoda

 

 

Doutzen Kroes

 

 

Who are your favourites?

 

 

Hiding in the shelves…

While going through the bookcase last night I came across this book.

I’ve had it since year 11, I bought this book from my Accounting prize. I have tried and failed (twice actually) to read this book but I’ve just never been able to finish it. So third time lucky. Hopefuly I’ll be able to get a thing or two from it.

Fair or Unfair?

After my blood test mum and I were driving in the city. Stopping at a red light we see the usual haul of pedestrians walking. Then mum said to me, “You know when I see young girls, walking around and being happy I ask myself why my own daughter can’t be like that”. Mum has never complained during my chemo, she’s always the one that tells me to be strong and not to spiral into depression. But I guess a part of her does think that it’s unfair that I’m going through this.

Do I think my life is unfair?

The answer is no. At first I did. I thought, what did I do to deserve this?

But who says that I’m not happy. And how can I judge and say that my life is unfair in comparison to the stranger walking down the street?  I told mum that I’m as happy or happier than that girl and I will be like her again in a few months.

Most people see the grass as always being greener on the other side. We always hear ourselves saying “If only I was like you..” “You’re not like me because you’ve got…” “You’re lucky because…” But is the grass really greener? I don’t think that we’ve got a right in judging if we live a fair or unfair life. Even if you think your life is unfair, how is that going to make you a better person?  

The answer to this is acceptance. I guess we have to accept all the unfairness and fairness life brings. If I have learnt one lesson this past few months it is acceptance. I have accepted that all this is part of my life, part of my hurdle and part of something that will shape me into a better person.

A New Perspective

I’d like to talk first about shopping.

From time to time we buy goods that are not exactly what we want, but nevertheless we buy it because we really need it or its the only one with a reasonable price. I always do that. But I’ve made a promise to never do the same for relationships. I’ve decided; I rather be single at 30 than be with someone that is not perfect for me. I was never going for second quality. Call me choosy, perfectionist, high-standard but that has been my thoughts.

I guess I never really felt the “need” to be in a relationship. I don’t really envy couples and there are numerous moments when I am so glad that I’m not in a relationship. I’d often say to my mum “see, I’m so glad I don’t have a boyfriend cause otherwise I’d be like…”

I guess I was never lonely nor bored. I didn’t need that kind of love, the love from family and friends were enough. I was glad that I didn’t have that extra “burden”, I could just focus on one thing; me. I guess I am selfish. But I never felt that my life was incomplete just because I’ve never been in a relationship.

Finding out the big news last month really did give me a new perspective. Not that I had an “I’m going to die” moment, but lets just say that my life now is worth much more. Everyday when I wake up I thank God because he has given me another day in this beautiful life of mine.

Naturally I did think, maybe I don’t want to be alone anymore. Maybe now, when life becomes more precious I might want to do something more. To have more. To be more. Maybe. After my treatment I do want to be in a relationship. Maybe. I do want that special someone. Maybe. I do want that other kind of love.

Maybe.

War Has Begun

I wasn’t too interested in history during my time at highschool; therefore, I can’t tell you much about tribal wars and what the tribal members actually do to prepare for it. But I can tell you that we are fighting a war at our household. A war that has less blood and the enemy can’t exactly be seen. Nevertheless it’s still a war.

Tommorow is the start of that war, after two surgeries, many home visits, dozens of check ups and visits to the doctor; chemo is finally starting. I guess I’ve seen it coming, but it was still a shock when I found out. I prefer to just get it done and over with. The waiting around and anticipation makes this whole process worst. And I feel that we’ve had enough of waiting around. It’s not that I’m looking forward to probably the hardest four months of my life. It’s because I’m looking forward to AFTER that four months.

I want my old life back. I want to stress over assignments again, to be independent again, to go out again, to be ordinary again. I hate having to ask mum to help me do simple daily chores and I hate doing nothing but watching foxtel and having naps. Sometimes I do feel like I’m living in a nightmare and I want out. But other days I do feel like I’m very lucky and all the bad things that could’ve happened never did.

I guess the hardest part of this war is the emotional battle. The drugs can look after the physical battle going on in my body but I have to fight the emotional battle. I have to live everyday full of hope and happiness; although I have cancer, cancer does not have me.

ONE-EIGHT

blessing n. God’s favour and protection. Ø a prayer asking for such favour and protection.

 

Yesterday was definately the BEST birthday. It’s funny how you can have the happiest moments in the saddest times. Blessings were in abundance, I don’t know how to pay back, even a little bit, of those blessings. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU everyone who gave me their wishes, who “suprised” me, who took their time to be a part of my birthday.

The first suprise came at 5 o’clock. Ashlyn told me that she was coming over so I thought it’ll be small and quite. I opened the gate door and came out to meet her, but then what did I find? Everyone in my garage! I guess I suprised them as much as they suprised me, they were all expecting me to come out of the garage door but instead I came out from the front door!

After that, had dinner at C Restaurant with my family. Mum hurried us to come back by 8.30, when we got home Karina and her parents came. Then my second suprise of the night, my Iona ASEAN group! They were at my doorstep singing Happy Birthday, some even broke out of the jail (boarding house) to be there. At about 9 o’clock had my third suprise, all the church people were in my door step singing and holding out a cake full of candles. Didn’t count how many people were in my house after that, but it was surely crowded.

After 3 suprises, 2 cakes, a mountain full of presents, messages, calls, hugs and prayers this surely is the best Birthday and one that I will never forget. Thank You everyone for my making my day.

Here are some posts that my uni friends made for me, it’ll be cruel not to show them since they’ve taken the time to make such beautiful ones.

Ashlyn- http://cinnamonstick.wordpress.com/2008/09/09/9-sept/

Q- http://junkhew.blogspot.com/2008/09/happy-birthday-kei-best-wishes-from-q.html

Kai- http://guankai.blogspot.com/2008/09/hapi-bday.html (I like the collage, don’t know where you got some of the pictures though!!)

The Value of Friendship

Silences make the real conversation between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts. Margaret Lee Runbeck.

Don’t you think its funny how an out-of-this-world event has to occur before you realise that you have something so great? Friendship to me had always meant fun. But I never really thought that friendship would still exist if you did stop having fun.

If you had ask me last month to define friendship I would say; gossip over coffee, laughing and chasing boys, nights out at Northbridge, etc. I wouldn’t have said; people who will be with you even though you’re not that interesting anymore or people who truly care about you. The definition of friendship really took a new shape within the last few weeks. The vast amount of messages, house visits, gifts and support meant the world to me. Sometimes it does leave me wondering, whether I too, would do the same thing if it happened to my friend.

Whenever I decide that a particular friend is a “keeper friend”, something must have happened to make me realise “WOW, this person is really a true friend”. To tell you the truth, I can count the amount of “keeper friends” that I have with my fingers because it takes a while for that moment to come. Lets just say that in the past month I’ve made more “keeper friends” and I’m now using my toes to count.

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Tommorow is the day that I receive my biopsy results. At last, after a week of waiting Iget to really find out my future. Not that I’m looking forward to chemo, it’s just that I need to plan and organise things. This past week my life has been put on hold and hopefully it can start again tommorow, maybe on a different path but nonetheles its begun again.

Dark Day

There was a dark day, the second day actually. But I’m determined to make this my only dark day. The cancer can get hold of me physically but I refuse for it to get hold of me mentally. Never.

When I woke up I didn’t remember the drama that unfolded yesterday. But after a minute I thought, “Oh God, it wasn’t just a dream it really did happen”. The day was just generally a bad day. It took me so long to get ready that we were nearly late for my CT scan. The CT scan was uncomfortable, had to get another needle. My hands are getting butchered; had to get 4 tubes of blood out on my right arm the day before and now this needle on my left. Then tommorow, where is the anaesthetic going to go in? I don’t have three arms?! And both of my arms are still sore.

But what really got me was when we were meeting the surgeon for the biopsy. After the doctor had a look at my x-rays I asked him whether it really was cancer. And he said “Im 99.9% sure it’s cancer because nothing else looks like that”. I guess from that moment I did feel my life was over. The little hope that I had was all gone, how stupid of me to think that it might all be a mistake. From then I realised that it really was REAL. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t break down and cry. Mum told me to look at her into her eyes and promise to be strong. And I did; half heartedly. I told her I’m not ready for this, not at all. I’m 17 and turning 18 in a few weeks, this is not what I should be worrying about.

I know that along my pathway of life there will always be hurdles to face. I knew that the fairytale life I’m living now will not always be there. But I’ve never anticipated for it to be turned upside down right now. I told mum there are so many things I haven’t done in life. So many things to hope for, so many things to strive for and so many things to be happy for. I haven’t finished uni, haven’t been in a relationship, haven’t had a career, haven’t gotten married nor have I had kids. I guess a part of me have always thought that a hurdle like this would happen after I’ve faced life’s wonderful moments.

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That was my dark day. Now it’s day 8 and I haven’t cried since then.

I DO have every reason to be upset, everyday. But I CHOOSE not to be.

The Day Life Took a New Course

I’ve kept a personal diary for the last three years. I haven’t shared it with anyone, not that I don’t want to but because I’ve never really had a reason to. But I’ve now decided to share it, well parts of it. Here is an abstract of my diary.

28/ 08/ 08

I often hear people saying “on that day my life changed”. That has never occurred to me before, never did I think it will happen. But it did. Yesterday actually. Yesterday I was diagnosed with cancer. Hodgkins Lymphoma.

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It’s not that I’m unaware of cancer, it’s just that I never thought it would happen to me and especially not at this age. To me, my body is invincible. My goal in life was to do well in uni and start a career, get married and live happily ever after. I never really thought about my health, why should I? since I’ve always been healthy. But I guess the events of yesterday really took things into perspective. I took my health for granted. I took the number one best gift that God has given me for granted. I never saw it as a blessing, it was just always THERE.